Well, I completely skipped a post. I will write about my hallucinations in this post. As I have always said, I cannot write about them all because this would never end. I will try to give detail without going into everything I experienced.
I say “experience” because everything I saw I thought was real. I do have real memories of being in the urgent care, but the rest was experienced asleep, but the full emotion and understanding felt real. When I woke up fully I knew some of it was fake, but I had a hard time letting some memories go. Some of them lasted all the way through August. Others vanished once I was completely coherent.
One terrifying hallucination I had was that I witnessed rape over and over again. The perpetrator was a man, I never knew but in real life he was my nurse. Helping him in this hallucination was another nurse and doctor who would hide his rapes and his body by shielding him off by placing their backs to him and facing outwards. And, another tidbit was that Mariska Hargitay (Detective Olivia Benson from the show Law & Order: Special Victims Unit) was going undercover to catch him.
Long story made short, he was repeatedly raping young women, and the scariest part of it all for me was that I was the only witness. So, I saw each rape in horrific detail and I could not speak or physically move to do anything about it. Each assault became more graphic and emotionally scaring. Mariska Hargitay went undercover somehow and tried to stop these rapes. But, they continued to happen, and eventually she was assaulted as well. I could only watch and hope it would end.
The nurse who helped him was eventually transferred, and the doctor got in some sort of trouble but not for the assaults. The man committing these crimes was eventually caught. He got in trouble with the law and the hospital, but I have no memory of how. You would think that would be a happy ending, but remember that I couldn’t testify or do anything at all.
I was stuck watching each horrific act and could do nothing to bring him to justice. I was trapped and it was the worst agony that I had yet gone through.
I know that’s not a good ending but every hallucination ended that way: devastating and heart-breaking. I wish I could write a happy ending, but I never got one.
Today I know who the nurse is and I have no hard feelings towards him. Because he isn’t the man in that hallucination. Also, it was originally hard to watch Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, but now I have issues with flashing back. It has become a reminder that I’m doing much better today than this time last year.
Every, and I mean every, hallucination was frightening, but today I can recognize these false memories. Today I believe these hallucinations were a response to the trauma of what was happening. I also believe that it was an attempt to make me fearful and not grateful. That just didn’t work.
Thank you for reading this very hard post to write.
God is good and gracious.